Waiting For That Rocket

Today was the first day that I admitted out loud to anybody that I’m doubting my ascension at L.L. Bean. It’s also the first time that I have thought about it, and not been heartbroken about it. For the past two and a half years I have been all L.L. Bean, all the time. Even when applying for other jobs or working at other jobs, it’s always been with an eye towards “how can this position make me a better candidate for L.L. Bean.” Over the past two weeks, I have slowly come to realize that thinking in those terms is getting me nowhere. Although I see these positions as building my resume, they are evidently not doing much in the eyes of the people doing the hiring (at least within my department). I have been told by multiple leaders that getting a job in our store is one of the most difficult things to do because the people who work there are among the most over-qualified workers you’re going to find anywhere. ((It’s true, former White House advisors, Wall Street bankers, former business executives have  all  been found on our payroll)) While accurate, I’ve always held out hope that my enthusiasm and potential would eventually win the day. I think that today is the day that I have consciously thrown in the towel. I concede defeat. I’m not giving up on my dream of being a leader at L.L. Bean, whether in the store or elsewhere, but I’m giving up on my dream of it right now. I have the potential to be a valued contributor at Job #3 (soon to surpass all and become Job #1). I would be a fool to not acknowledge and embrace the opportunity and challenge of such a role. Whether I decide to grow and develop into a leader at Job #3/1, and decide to pursue position(s) there, or if I grow into a leader there and decide to return my focus to L.L. Bean, giving my all at Job #3/1 is where my focus should be. 

It feels weird to admit to the world that I’ve put my dreams on hold. But maybe, as cliche as it sounds, putting the old dream on hold will allow a new one to take its place. I know I’ve made the right decision, and I’m going to end up being where I need to be, and I’m going to end up liking where I am. It’s just going to take some time for my brain to communicate that to my heart.

This week has been chock full of ups and downs and all arounds (in case you missed a brief glimpse at the turmoil, here it is). I officially gave notice at Apple, so am going to be down to two jobs as of 3pm next Friday. So, yay (and boo, let’s be honest). I’m feeling increasingly content that I made the right decision about taking the full time position. We had a team captains meeting for Relay for Life and when we got out at seven it was still sunny (huzzah, is spring finally here?!). Got to hang out socially with a bunch of people that I don’t normally see outside of certain environments, and did I mention that spring may actually be here? These are all fabulous uppers. The downers are still unavailable for comment, but are lurking in the unpleasant corners of my mind waiting to pounce. But I’m doing my best to kick their ass as often as possible.

These are the things that have driven me to a great little coffee shop downtown. I decided that instead of moping around the house drinking wine (which despite it being three o’clock in the afternoon was a distinct possibility…), I needed to get out and about otherwise there was a chance I wouldn’t leave at all. So while sitting in the coffeeshop, trying to look more productive than just checking out stupid cat pictures I decided to write my self-appraisal for L.L. Bean. It’s been sitting on my virtual desktop for probably a month now, but the last time I tried to work on it the word processor kept crashing and the frustration was not worth it. So. Here we are. A month later, a lot more introspection and a different perspective altogether now that I’m not looking towards L.L. Bean for my next career step. You wouldn’t think that writing a self-appraisal for a position where I’ve been yanked hither and thither (and not in the pleasant way) would be cathartic, yet here we are. However, so many things that I wrote were things that I felt needed to be said. And getting it off my chest probably helped me feel better about the time that I do spend there. I sent it off to my supervisor. Tomorrow we should be sitting down to talk about…things…and I’ll be interested in hearing what he has to say about my thoughts. In the interim though, I’m going to finish my latte, my productivity, and head out to my friend’s play. It’s a girls’ and Arden – and maybe Dan – night out on the town. This should be fun!!

I think that blogging is truly the format that I was missing in HS and College (or maybe just my entire academic life haha). I am able to do a wee bit of research, write something that is occasionally insightful and/or witty, and wrap it up before my attention span goes…hey wanna go ride a bike?!

But in all seriousness, I love being able to share my thoughts with the world. And even if the world isn’t actually reading my blog – although visits from TinaB and Syd always brighten my day :) – I put what I was thinking out there. And that’s enough for now.

*sigh of contentment*

</Poetic waxing>