It’s coming up on the third of September. Tomorrow would be her 2nd birthday. I processed this fact last night.
It’s hard for me to see a 2-year old without thinking of what my life would be like had she lived. I can only imagine playing auntie to a livewire the likes of which any child of B’s will be.
I never got a chance to meet her. She never had a chance to flourish. And I feel like I’m going to be missing something for the rest of my life.
Love you Jada Star
9.3.08
It’s funny to me that I count myself a student of history mainly because I’m not a very good student. I tend to turn off my brain when it’s challenged by events or ideas that offend. This means I end up with a basic knowledge of chronological events, but no real understanding.
A case in point: Israel-Palestine. I know that the fledgling UN semi-arbitrarily ceded then-Palestine to survivors of the holocaust. I know things turned radically violent in 1967. I know there was a tenuous peace brokered in the 1990s (and came unravelled soon after). But none of this explains the “why.” I get where both sides are coming from, but I don’t understand the hate that builds a wall between pride/history and the general welfare of the population. Is pride worth having kids blowing up themselves , their neighbors?
I was watching a special on World War II last night. World War II, the Good War, the Just War, the Necessary War, and the atrocities committed (by both sides) are overwhelming. The Vietnam War – My Lai. The latest Gulf War – Abu Ghraib. And none of these include genocides perpetrated by governments within their own borders: Turks/Armenians. Russians/Ukranians. Serbs/Albanians. Khmer Rouge/Cambodians. Hutus/Tutsis. This is just a small sample from the past 100 years. But it begs the question: how is this acceptable?
Is it because people like me bury our heads, pretending it doesn’t exist, doesn’t happen because acknowledging it is to acknowledge hatred, pain and a powerlessness to stop it?
Posted in Life In General
I haven’t been that many places.
I’ve never been outside the country – except for Canada. I’ve spent about 99.9% of my life in Northern New England. And, to be honest, for the most part I’m fine with that.
I want to travel. To see parts of the world that are radically different from mine (Russia and Vietnam are tops of travel bucket list).
Many would see this as provincial. Tonight, thinking about it, I find it…reassuring.
Unexpectedly, this stroke of insight came by watching an episode of CSI:NY. The episode centered around the Holocaust, Nazis, Neo-Nazis and the looting – and Black Market auctioning – of European Jews’ belongings. I was watching the episode and thinking of how much I don’t understand hate. There are people and things that I claim to hate (ask me about Jane Fonda or Robert McNamara some time), but my hate doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of the hate exhibited by those extremists.
How does thought one relate to thought two? The community I am a part of in Maine. The community I was and am a part of at St. Lawrence. Despite viewpoints that range from the right to the left and back again, tolerance has always been a key word. My parents, and the other adults in my life, raised me preaching love and respect.
Why would I want to leave a bubble that is safe, (mostly) respectful, and that rarely exposes me to the kind of hate that is often blatantly shown elsewhere?
I guess maybe I am somewhat provincial. But Maine, New England, my life – are safe and filled with love. It’s tough to conceive of leaving a comfort zone that remains intellectually challenging.
Posted in Life In General, Maine, Portland
I’m sorry that my posts keep on being highly introspective rather than posts solving the problems of the world, but hey. It’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to, right? Right.
Have you ever seen the episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon goes back to her high school reunion? She doesn’t want to – those kids made her life a living hell, forever picking on her growing up. But she ultimately decides to, thinking, “Hey, I’m kind of a big deal in the broadcasting world – let me finally show them whatfor.” She walks in and all these kids she had remembered picking on her had actually felt they were picked on by her.
This isn’t my post-reunion confession, nor is it my “I had a run-in with So-and-So” post. Instead this is me wondering out loud: what if I’m really not as nice as I’ve always thought?
I’ve noticed a mean streak in me of late. And I’ve tried to curb it. But what if I can’t? What if, instead of being everybody’s affable bud, I’m really that snide girl who mutters comments under her breath?
I’m trying not to be, and if you are someone who has ever felt snubbed by me, then I’m sorry. File this under: “area of opportunity.”
Posted in Abject Fear, Friends, Life In General, Turmoil
As I write this I am sitting on a sea wall on Peaks Island. It’s high tide and the remnants of last weekend’s storm is still sending waves to shore. The breakers are pulling and pushing and constantly rearranging the sea stones up the beach. I can feel the sea spray on my face and, for all that I can see, I may as well be the only person in existence.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been so okay. In fact, I’m not sure when the last time I was. I find myself smiling. A lot. And not just the “sure, I’m fine” internal eye roll kind of smile, but a full fledged grin.
There are things that I’m worried about. Things that have me stressed. But I’m able to sit here, listening to the thunderous waves, and tasting the salty air. And I’m okay.
Posted in Life In General, Maine, Portland
Turns out I’m better at understanding things on paper than I am executing them in real life.
Our improv class may have a motto of “f*** it,” but I continue to get stuck.
This is something I’m going to have to come to grips with in life, as well as in class.
Posted in Work
The past week has been great for getting me back on an even keel. I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with life. Between bills and cars and bills and work and the feeling that, “Oh my god this is the rest of my life,” I’ve been needing to just stop for a minute or two, collect my thoughts and re-evaluate what I want to do.
And here is where I make my confession. I. Love. Retail. That’s it. My confession.
I have a degree from a leading liberal arts college (and the debt that accompanies such a prestigious piece of paper). I learned a lot academically and personally. I am an incredibly bright individual who could likely do any manner of things in this world. And I’m content to play around in the stores that I’ve worked in over the past three years.
Whether it’s stocking, inventory control, merchandising (especially merchandising), or customer servicing. I enjoy the variety I get working in retail. No two days are the same. No two customers are the same. Basically my ADD is perfectly assuaged.
The best thing about this past week is I’ve been able to focus more on what I’d like to end up doing. In chatting with some local business owners, I’ve decided that I would LOVE to start focusing on merchandising.
It’ll be interesting to see where this road takes me, but it’s nice to have a goal slightly more focused than generic “retail.”
Posted in Work
Remember the movie 13 Going on 30? All Jenna wanted to be is “Thirty and flirty and fun.” And truthfully? Who didn’t dream of that as a child? I certainly did.
As a beleaguered adolescent, being an adult and “able to do whatever I want” was my answer to everything. I was going to be able to stay up past nine, buy that CD with the parental warning on it, and play video games – whenever I wanted.
Turns out, fifteen years later, I was wrong. Being an adult isn’t just about freedom. There are just as many responsibilities that go along with that freedom. I’ve got the bills, the job, the car, the pets, but perhaps the thing that stresses me out the most (the MOST), are the relationships. Read More…
Posted in Friends, Life In General, Turmoil
A couple weeks ago, a friend wrote about saying, “I love you” to her parents. She’s been having a tough time with it for reasons x, y, and z. And although my reasons differ from what “Susie” has to say, I am all too familiar with the sentiment.
There was a time when my mom was my confidante. Any problem, issue or joy that I had, I would share with her. Every phone call was ended with an earnest “I love you,” every chance encounter a hug. Things changed that November. Since then the “I love you’s” have slowed to a trickle and the hugs are a reluctant endeavor. To be clear: this is not because I no longer share that sentiment.
My parents have taught me more about love than any romance novel, chick flick or coming of age story ever could. Their love for each other is such that they have survived 36 years of marriage and three adolescents. Along the way they’ve adopted our friends as their own, lent a firm (yet loving hand) to those without it, and always provided a safe space for any and all. They put aside their prejudices and experiences and allowed my brothers and I to formulate our own opinions. They allowed us to fail, allowed us to succeed, and allowed us to just “be.”
I was thinking of what my legacy will be 10, 20, 30 years from now. My parents have set the bar high. The web of love that stretches across the country and the world due to my parents is an admirable one. Someday I hope to leave as definite a mark.
Posted in Life In General, Optimism
Why is it that we are so cagey about when we hurt? Not necessarily the outside hurts, but the hurt that happens inside our hearts.
This week I went on anti-depressants for the first time. If I were the gambling sort, I’d bet that I’ve been fighting depression for most of my life, but only recently have I had the guts to say something about it. Why, you might ask? Why was I so cagey about it? Let me put it this way: I’m a white, suburban, Maine girl. I’ve always had everything I need, most of what I want, and have an incredibly loving family. My friends are top notch (seriously, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. Inexplicably, they would do the same for me). I’m employed, I have a good car. What do I have to be depressed about?
But something has been going on for the past 15 years. Something inside. And I’ve grown sick of feeling this way.
I’m starting a new chapter in my life. One that will hopefully be healthier, heartier, and happier.
Posted in Abject Fear, Life In General, Optimism, Turmoil
