Waiting For That Rocket

For the past two weeks I have been more focused on a project than I think I have ever been before. At the very least for a really, really, really long time.

This is not a bad thing. My only…hang up. Is that I feel like there has been a shift of massive proportions in my life. I love retail. I could see myself being involved at some level in retail for a long time. But this is what I’ve discovered over the past couple weeks: I love writing. Not only do I love it, but I’m passably good at it. The more books I read, the more convinced I am that I could actually get published and actually have at least some moderate commercial success.

This thought is almost more unnerving than the possibility of working in Retail for the next forty years.

I don’t know how, but despite the love and support of my entire family, my friends, and a select few educators in my life, I have become all too conditioned to expecting failure. I don’t apply for jobs because I’ll never get them, I don’t do this because that may happen, etc. I never expect to succeed, so therefore I never try.

But now that I’ve discovered my passion for writing, and have a deep seeded belief that I can actually *do* this, I’m scared absolutely witless. Why is it that the fear of success is scarier than the fear of failure. Why is my generation so conditioned to expect failure that when that happens we’re not shocked, but when we earn success we doubt its legitimacy?

Well. I just survived my first official #nanowrimo “thing.”

I’m still scared witless, but a little less so.

I think I need to apply that first rule of Rachel’s improv class to this: “F*ck it.”

I just need to write. “Quantity over quality.”

Please feel free to remind me of this over the next 30 days.

So. I signed up for #nanowrimo the other day.

For those unfamiliar with it (which I imagine are many of you), #nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month. The idea is that participants churn out 50,000 words over the course of the month with little regard to editing and just focus on getting the first draft of their novel done.

Writing a novel is something I’ve wanted to do for a while now. I love to write and I think I do it well (feel free to agree :)) so I do believe anything I do will be at least passable.

But (come on – you know me, you knew there was going to be a but) I’m scared witless.

1. My attention span is not so great. Fifty thousand is an awfully large number to stay focused for.
2. When it comes to my writing I have pretty high standards. Spelling, grammar, word choice, organization. These are all high priorities.

I know that #nanowrimo is about production, not content, but I can’t help but wonder how I’ll keep my ADD and OCD in check for an entire month.