Posted by: mydarkestplaces | March 21, 2018

Passive suicidality

So. Yes. I’ve done a stint in inpatient treatment (yes, somewhat involuntarily). So yes, I’ve spent more than a little time in Maine Med because my passive suicidality has trended active. So yes, I’m smarter than the average bear. But this doesn’t mean I have always understood why my passive suicidality was treated so…dramatically. After all, I’ve long hoped to be dead, I’ve had “I wish I could” plans, but I’ve never had “I’m going to” plans.

Reading the article linked to with “passive suicidality” it helps me, kind of, understand why the “I wish I could plans,” got me into the hospitals it’s gotten me into. What I don’t understand is why seven medications can’t get me past the “I wish I could” moments.

I have a Med Head Shrink, I have a Talking Head Shrink, I have a sponsor for my alcoholism, I have connections with a local police department’s crisis response social worker. And still. Here I am pretty consistently dreaming about being gone. And/or about being drunk. And/or wishing for a physical pain to match the inside pain.

I know the hope for many is that I start using the tools I’m given in AA, in the Talking Head Shrink’s office, in the other myriad places I receive support. The issue is that I don’t think I’m worth it.




  1. Me too, alas. I’m sorry! DBT helps quite a bit, yet sometimes I get my head in the wrong position….

    • DBT and ACT are both things I’ve tried. DBT had me feeling like I was doing EVERYTHING wrong so I dropped out.

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