Posted by: mydarkestplaces | November 20, 2010

A long way to go…

I was reading through the posts on the LiveJournal I had in college and it became abundantly clear to me: I’ve come a hell of a long way since then.

In college (probably before, definitely a good bit of time after), I was a train wreck. Things were just so wrong, in my head, in my heart and in the circumstances that broke me time and time again.

Somehow, though, I’ve managed to come out on the other side. As I learned while reading the old LJ, many of those feelings are not far below the surface. There’s still a lot of pain that has the potential to send me right down into that cesspool of depression.

A big reason for my emergence into the land of the sane has had to do with the friendship of some very specific people: AM, ER, DB, BF, MM, JM, EL. These people have had just an absolutely tremendous impact on my life. There are others, and many of you know how important you are to me, but I wouldn’t have opened myself up to the possibilities of other relationships if it hadn’t been for these core seven people.

By the end of the year, more than half of that group are going to be living in Europe. There’s a good chance that by spring, the rest of that group will have left Maine also.

I am scared shitless. I’ve taken a lot of risks over the past five years. Risks that, when in the darkest days, I would never have considered taking. And that’s because I knew I had this net that would be there to catch me, be there to love me, no matter what.

That net is going away.

I can’t help but think of this as kind of a test. I also think it’s a testament to just how far I’ve come that I’m thinking of it that way, because a test can be beaten. In the latest Star Trek flick, Spock may posit the possibility of no-win scenarios, but that’s not true to me.

My “family” may be flocking to Europe, but they’ve created a me that can handle being separated from the people I love.

That doesn’t stop the pain from knowing that I have to.

Words can’t express my thanks at the abilities that my friends have helped me to find in myself. I love them so incredibly much and wish them all the best in everything that they do.

I just wish they didn’t have to do it so damn far away.


Responses

  1. Well…at least you have one friend that used to maybe be
    friend 8 on your list that lives just a short drive away
    :(


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