Posted by: mydarkestplaces | October 16, 2010

Soundtrack to my life

I have already at least tried to establish that I am an incredibly associative person. “How to Save a Life” by the Fray automatically transports me to the days following Calvin. “River of Dreams” by Billy Joel now makes me think almost exclusively of the early days of Bard Coffee. “Stretch” by the Ryan Montbleau Band reminds me of going to the driving range with AM, DB and ER.

These are all songs that I have learned to anticipate. I know when I hear those songs I’m going to think of those events.

The toughest part of having so much music coursing through my memory is when I’m caught by surprise.

For years I couldn’t listen to “Run” by Snow Patrol because of the memories it represents/-ed. I have of late been able to reclaim that song, but sometimes those memories come from left field.

I was not expecting to think what I thought. I was not expecting to feel what I felt. And I certainly was not expecting to cry the tears that I cried.

Maybe someday the shock will fade. For now, it’s just on to the next song.


  1. I know exactly what you mean both about the memories and about sometimes being blindsided by them. I’ve worked to reclaim a few of those songs over the last couple years and do still get struck with hard memories sometimes. And then I try to find a new song to listen to that puts me back where I want to be.

  2. i can’t listen to anything on the tori amos “boys for pele” album without shooting back to my disastrous freshman year in college- also known as the year i burnt my life to the ground completely. point being, i get it. and my heart hurts for you because i know how hard it is. luvwords is totally right. as quickly as certain music and knock me down, other songs can pick me right back up. (cue “walkin on sunshine” by katrina and the waves). xo -a.

  3. I just hate (and I’m sure both of you do, also) having come so far from where I was – on many different levels – and having 70 stupid bars (or however long the song is) throwing me right back to the pit.

    Now don’t mind me, I’m just going to go listen to some NSYNC… #happymusic

  4. ooh NSYNC. GOOD CHOICE. but seriously, it’s hard to get knocked down unexpectedly (we’re like human fucking jenga!), but i think we hold onto the associations because we need these memories (as painful as they can be). i do think it takes time to process and master the ickyess… but we need to learn that skill. it’s essential for survival. ok, i’m rambling on like a crazy person, but essentially what i mean to say is that is sucks, but it’s worth it. xo -a.

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