Posted by: mydarkestplaces | October 11, 2010

Perpetual Fear

If you read this post (feel free to do so now, I’ll wait) then you’ll know that I just got finished saying “I’m okay.”

And I am. It’s not an exaggeration.

The largest issue that I have right now is that, since it has been so long since I’ve been okay (perhaps never?) I keep waiting for the feeling to stop. It’s not that I’m a pessimist. I would argue that I’m far from it.

People who’ve never felt abject, constant dejection might not know why feeling okay is almost worse. And I don’t know if I’m going to be able to articulate it well. This is the best that I can do:

Imagine that you are someone who is constantly sick. You have sinus issues, cancer, cystic fibrosis, whatever. Now imagine you’ve gotten that magical fix that has you healthy. It doesn’t matter if your mind says “I really am healthy for the long run.” Or if your doctors say it, or your friends. Your heart is going to continually wait for the sickness to come back. Your heart refuses to believe that you’re actually healthy.

This is where I’m living right now. A knowledge that I’m okay, but a fear that one day soon I won’t be. The trick I’m trying to learn is to just ride it out. I’ll be fine. Maybe not for always, but for now I’m good. And that has to be good enough for now.


  1. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a habit far too many of us fall into, constantly fearing what will happen if we let ourselves become complacent in any sort of happiness. Like something will come swooping in and steal it away from us.

    I don’t talk to many people about it, but it’s my biggest fear in dating and relationships. The obstacle I most struggle to get over. Because it seems that every time I’ve allowed myself to become even remotely content that other shoe has come flying off the closet shelf and clocked me harshly in the back of the head.

    Good luck in your own quest – we all have our demons to overcome, and someday we’ll realize that we can’t let them win. :)

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