Waiting For That Rocket

It’s coming up on the end of the year, even the decade, and the amount of change that has occurred in my life is almost too much to enumerate. First off. I survived adolescence. Perhaps barely, but I lived to suppress the experience. I don’t know if I could begin to vocalize the entirety of my depression then, but then again, I don’t know if I could fully talk about my mental state now.

What I do know is this: when I was 15, I thought I had all the answers and was scared witless. Now, I know I don’t and I’m more scared then ever before. I do know sense of self is ever evolving. Tomorrow I may not be the same person I am today, but somewhat a core remains. But who am I? Even at the core, I don’t know if I know. Here are some clues to help me along the way (and you, I suppose – if you care to make the journey…)

I am highly intelligent, but would choose a trashy romance novel over literature any day of the week.

I have a four year degree, yet work 3rd shift in a retail store.

I talk a big game, but I’m pretty sure I’m among the biggest cowards I know.

I try and like everyone, but have little tolerance for ineptitude.

I say I accept everyone’s beliefs, but I can’t tolerate bigots (of any stripe).

I am among the most passive aggressive people I know.

I suck at hiding my emotions – whether it’s joy, anger or sadness.

Everything is my fault, even when it isn’t.

The answers I had in college no longer apply to my life.

Few friends I had in college are still involved in my life.

The two people I envisioned being a part of my life forever are no longer. I lost touch along the way. I don’t know if I’d take them back if I could.

I’m rated PG13 for language, but put a censor on me and I’m ready for Nick, Jr.

I am at once the most trusting and most doubting soul you will ever meet.

I don’t know that I’ll ever believe that my friends are my friends, even the ones who have stuck with me through everything.

If I had a million dollars, I’d pay off my student loans, buy a house with a porch and yard, and probably give the rest of it away.

I am scared. So scared. Of everything. Yet I keep going because there is no alternative.

I hate student loans. But I hate that I can’t pay them more than actually paying them.

I am blessed to have incredible people in my life, even though I don’t know why they’re there.