It’s coming up on the end of the year, even the decade, and the amount of change that has occurred in my life is almost too much to enumerate. First off. I survived adolescence. Perhaps barely, but I lived to suppress the experience. I don’t know if I could begin to vocalize the entirety of my depression then, but then again, I don’t know if I could fully talk about my mental state now.
What I do know is this: when I was 15, I thought I had all the answers and was scared witless. Now, I know I don’t and I’m more scared then ever before. I do know sense of self is ever evolving. Tomorrow I may not be the same person I am today, but somewhat a core remains. But who am I? Even at the core, I don’t know if I know. Here are some clues to help me along the way (and you, I suppose – if you care to make the journey…)
I am highly intelligent, but would choose a trashy romance novel over literature any day of the week.
I have a four year degree, yet work 3rd shift in a retail store.
I talk a big game, but I’m pretty sure I’m among the biggest cowards I know.
I try and like everyone, but have little tolerance for ineptitude.
I say I accept everyone’s beliefs, but I can’t tolerate bigots (of any stripe).
I am among the most passive aggressive people I know.
I suck at hiding my emotions – whether it’s joy, anger or sadness.
Everything is my fault, even when it isn’t.
The answers I had in college no longer apply to my life.
Few friends I had in college are still involved in my life.
The two people I envisioned being a part of my life forever are no longer. I lost touch along the way. I don’t know if I’d take them back if I could.
I’m rated PG13 for language, but put a censor on me and I’m ready for Nick, Jr.
I am at once the most trusting and most doubting soul you will ever meet.
I don’t know that I’ll ever believe that my friends are my friends, even the ones who have stuck with me through everything.
If I had a million dollars, I’d pay off my student loans, buy a house with a porch and yard, and probably give the rest of it away.
I am scared. So scared. Of everything. Yet I keep going because there is no alternative.
I hate student loans. But I hate that I can’t pay them more than actually paying them.
I am blessed to have incredible people in my life, even though I don’t know why they’re there.
So, so, so true: “I don’t know that I’ll ever believe my friends are my friends, even the ones who’ve stuck with me through everything.”
By: Amanda on December 23, 2009
at 11:48 pm