Waiting For That Rocket

Do you ever stop to think about just how remarkable this time that we live in is? I feel, in some ways, it’s similar to the sixties in that there’s just been this insane explosion of technological advances over the past fifteen years. Advances that, twenty years ago, wouldn’t have even put in an appearance at a world’s fair.

To put this in perspective: I’m writing this post on a bus. A bus that is moving. A bus somewhere in the middle of that particularly hellish state called Connecticut. I am writing it on an iPad. An iPad that I’ve been using to check my progress towards NYC, to read and to listen to music. From my eReader app I’ve been able to EASILY share funny and/or significant quotes to various social media outlets. I’ve sent emails. All from a piece of technology roughly 4″ x 8″ x 1″. The bag phone my parents had when I was growing up had a volume four times greater, connection a thousand times worse and – hello – it had to be carried in a bag.

Living in the future is funny.

So.

This year.

Some of my posts may have indicated just how wretched this year has been.

Friends dying – from their own hand and by their bodies self-destructing, friends in the hospital, global events. Safe to say, my twenty-eighth year has not been the apex of my life.

However, and this is what I constantly need to remind myself of (and am better at some times than other), there have been aspects of this year which were absolutely fantastic.

Since I didn’t buy into/participate in the 30 days of gratefulness thing that went viral on Facebook I’ll do my best to enumerate things I’m grateful for below. I will try my best to limit this list to things that are solely from this year (with a couple obvious exceptions). These are in no particular order and range from “real” to superficial.:

1. Bard Coffee
2. Auntie’s Kitchen Peanut Butter/Chocolate No-Bake Bars
3. The owner of Auntie’s Kitchen, Suzanne.
4. Becoming such close friends with Mike Lewis, Adam Baker and Cara
5. Introducing David to St. Lawrence
6. Seeing Adam Wayne, Heather Lynn, DAWeave, Barb, Jenny and Melissa up at St. Lawrence
7. Becoming better friends with Anestes, Jeremy, Shana, Josh and Lyndsy
8. My Chosen Family – Arden, Elizabeth, Kara, Brian, David, Marc, and Jenn.
9. Rozeboom Clan
10. The Internet for shrinking the world and introducing me to things I wouldn’t have found otherwise
11. Nick Harkaway
12. Corollary to the above: Angelmaker (if you haven’t read it yet, read it. Now. Pretty much hands down my favorite book from this past year.)
13. My blood family – and its expansion pack, Laura
    

    Mary Poppins. Practically perfect in every way.

14. Sunday mornings with the #JQA crew (Josh, Lyndsy, and Mike Lewis)
15. NPR, MPBN, Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me, and This American Life
16. Andy for turning me on to so many new kinds of music
17. Perpetual thanks to Dr. Ruth Kreuzer and Dr. Elun Gabriel for introducing me to Russian history and encouraging me to study it more in depth.
18. Josh Christie, Rebecca Schinsky, Jenn N., Book Riot and all the other myriad, wonderful, beautiful, enabling book people who are constantly turning me on to new authors, new genres, and new ways of looking at the world
19. New York City for being halfway between Maine and Washington, DC, which is allowing me to see Arden for a whole three and a half days
20. The geology and geography of Maine which means that we are not near so afflicted by natural disasters as other areas of the country and world
21. Andy Carvin for turning me on to a world that I probably wouldn’t have sought out on my own (although, depending on the day, I sometimes wish he hadn’t because I can’t un-see or un-know the things he’s shown to me)
22. People who are smarter than me, and who help make me smarter
23. White Trash Dates with Kara
24. Laughter, even when it’s through the tears
25. Friends it’s safe to get black out drunk in front of
26. Writing – whether for fun or for processing
27. For all the ups and downs over the past fifteen years, I’m grateful for Hippo, Liz and Kara. You three know me better than just about anyone else on the planet and yet somehow you still put up with me
28. Hearing Jessi Burg’s voice multiple times this year
29. My rugby family (again with the St. Lawrence people…I love it :) – Ann Marie, Kat, Nikki, Hammy, Harv. You ladies have been there for me in so many ways for so many years
30. Working for a company that cares a lot about the world they live in. In terms of the textiles they use for their clothing, the folks they use to produce their clothing, and how they give back to the communities where we have a presence. It’s awesome to know that I work for a good company
31. After publishing this yesterday I realized the folly of working on two posts at once. In the other post, to be published at some point in the next few days, I talk about Brent and Kirsten and the Danler daughters. I talk about arguing with Brent and Kirsten and playing games with the girls. I talk about it enough that I couldn’t conceive of not having them be on this list. But, mea culpa, such is the case. So, rounding out my 31 points of things to be grateful for this year – the Danler clan.

I’ll be honest. I’ve barely gotten through this year. That I have at all is a testament less to me, and more a testament to the people in my life. You all (hopefully) know who you are and you have my thanks (most days). Now that I’ve reached December, these lyrics by The Mountain Goats ring true:

“I am going to make it through this yearIf it kills me
I am going to make it through this year
If it kills me”

I don’t know what 2013 will bring. I very badly want to say that it can’t be worse than 2012. I am steeling myself in case it is. On the other hand, if I get nearly as many positives to go with the negatives as I did this year, maybe 2013 won’t be a complete waste. Lord knows, as excited as I am to bid this year adieu, I will be taking the positives listed above and holding them near. If I don’t, survival would have been for naught and the love that has been shown to me will have been wasted.

To climb off my soap box of the past few posts, today is a good day.

The Middle and Near East are still devolving into an endless cycle of violence. Our national, state and local politics are still a morass of negativity and nastiness.

But today is a good day.

After the past couple weeks of work, which have been long, tortuous, physical and frustrating, I needed a good day.
I’ve alluded to and talked about my lack of work-life balance, but I think the past two weeks have really nailed home how important a not horrible work-life balance is. This week I had the benefit of working with a couple really good friends to wrap up a major league effort for work, but that was really the extent of my social time. At work. I didn’t go out for beers, didn’t meet people for coffee, didn’t see a movie. I parked my car in the lot before the attendant was there and left well after they were gone for the day (plus side, I didn’t have to pay for parking on one of those days).

Yesterday I had my first real social time in…well…a long time. We hung out at my friend’s apartment, drinking beers, listening to music. We went to Friendly’s. We ate ice cream. We laughed. We bitched. We did nothing. It was pretty awesome. Today I’ve done more hanging out – at Bard, drinking way too much coffee (socially), laughing too loudly, probably being too judgmental, but just having an awesome time. I feel my happy meter slowly recharging.

I still don’t say no enough and forgive way too easily. And that won’t change at any point in the foreseeable future. But for now, I’m content with not working eighty hour weeks. And hanging out with Andy, Bex and Mike Lewis. Because they make me happy.

This morning I had a very real world, tangible reminder of what’s at stake with Maine’s Question 1 this November.

Thanks to Keith Luke for this picture :)

This is the baby of two of my friends, Erin and Jill. These two have been a part of my life since I graduated college. They were in a monogamous, committed relationship for years before I met them and – in 2010 – exchanged vows. In the subsequent time, Erin and Jill decided that they should pass along their beautiful and smart genes to the next generation. This is what hundreds of married couples go through. Every. Day. It’s the progression of things in today’s society.

Unfortunately, while I was planning on meeting up with Erin AND Jill (and the petite bébé) this morning, only Erin was able to make it.* As the wee little one slept, curled into my neck, Erin explained where Jill was.

Jill had to be at some state office getting finger printed so that she could legally adopt her daughter. Both she and Erin had to undergo extensive background checks. After Jill legally adopts the baby, Erin is going to have to REadopt the baby that she physically brought into the world. Erin has been carrying around power of attorney papers with her until the adoption goes through because as it stands, right now, Jill has no legal rights to her child if those papers don’t exist and something happens to Erin.

Question 1 asks Maine voters if we “want to allow the State of Maine to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples”. Opponents say it’s a thing about religious freedom; domestic partnerships and civil unions are the same thing; why does it have to be “marriage”? Too many opponents are even more hateful and spiteful. For me, listening to all the steps that Erin and Jill are having to go through so that they can both be recognized as Elsa’s parents has really proven why a legal marriage is so important.

Jill and Erin made the decision to bring a child into the world. A child that they are planning to raise with love and support. A child they want to give every advantage to. A child they will raise to be a good person, a good citizen, a smart thinker (and, knowing them, a smart talker ;). They are doing it right. And Erin has to carry around a piece of paper stating that, should the worst happen, Elsa’s other mother is designated caretaker of her.

We should be celebrating and enabling love. We shouldn’t be limiting or dictating who can and can’t love and start a family. When having a child is already so difficult and expensive, we shouldn’t be layering unnecessary legal fees on top of it just so that families can be confident that should worst case happen their children will be looked after. No family should ever be told they’re less than another, whether a straight, same-sex, bisexual, open, polygamous, monogamous, or abstinent family. Whether a foster family, adopted family, or biological family. Whether a religious, agnostic or atheist family. What difference does it make? Love is love. And that should never be confined to one narrow definition.

*Not that it was “just” Erin, but that Jill wasn’t there.

Crisis point past (for the time being), it’s time to process out the past week and a half. My friend Kirsten has had about the shittiest week it can be possible to have – although I’m not sure she remembers the worst bits.

I could never do as good a job as Brent at describing what’s going on with Kirsten (it’s remarkable what he’s been able to put into words). The way I’ve been describing it, for folks who haven’t been following along with the drama, is that Kirsten’s body is an endocrinological clusterfuck. I have been having a tough time following along with the jargon – I’m not as smart as Brent or Kirsten, and especially not as scientifically smart – so I maybe get every fifth word. What I do get, what I’ve almost always been able to get, is the over arching picture. Shit. Is. Not. Good. Things may never be good again. For now, we’re celebrating that things aren’t as bad. And believe me, that’s an incredible thing to be celebrating.

The times I’ve seen Kirsten over the past couple days I’ve had to fight a bubbling bit of hysteria. To be sitting with her, to be laughing with her, to be making fun of Brent with her. This most magical feeling that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to feel again.

Throughout this whole thing one thing has become so abundantly, irrefutably clear: the Danler family is among the strongest families that I have ever had occasion to come across. A) Neither Brent nor Kirsten have been scared to admit they’re scared. B) They haven’t been scared to say as such to their daughters. Their attitude has been hopeful and realistic.

I hesitate to use the word serene, but it’s the word that comes to mind. I can’t even begin to imagine the turmoil swirling throughout their minds, but it so rarely shows. The pair of them are taking things as they come (harder for Brent since he’s not the one confined to a hospital bed). They’re looking down the line, but trying not to bite off ten issues when one is enough. Let’s tackle problem A and then move on to Problems B through Z.

Only tangentially related – I mentioned above, Brent and I tend to argue. A lot. Okay. Argue may be a strong word. We debate.  A lot. We both have occasion to take on the role of “devil’s advocate” and, just as often, we just see things in a different way. I’ve never not had a civil {ahem} discussion with him. And what’s most awesome about this is that these discussions either solidify my worldviews or expand them. That’s pretty freaking rad. (If you don’t have a friend who can do that for you, I suggest you find one stat. Best feeling ever)

As Brent alluded to in his daily summary yesterday, he and I got going on a spiritual debate. If you’ve ever talked, tweeted, or Facebooked with Brent (or even if you’ve ever read his blog) it’s patently obvious that he and Kirsten are avowed atheists. While I’ve long defined myself as a staunch agnostic – jury’s still out, if you will – I had a pretty significant conclusion after I walked away from the conversation Brent and I had yesterday.

I don’t want to believe in a god that can cause bad things to happen to good people.

So, the Danler’s have been struck with this because they can handle it? Because they don’t believe in a Judeo-Christian god? Or any god? How is that fair. How is that a good god?

War is rampant in Syria, and other countries in the Near East and North Africa. Is that happening because, for many there, the Prophet Muhammad trumps Jesus?  HIV is god’s way of weeding out the sinning gays? Legitimate rape only happens to women who ask for it by dressing amorally or being sexually active?

Yes, a lot of the views in the previous paragraph are perpetrated by man, but if God is nothing but a man made construct. If man has been created in the image of God. Doesn’t that mean that choices made by man reflect those of their God? Whether that God is Muhammad, Jesus, Krishna or Buddha?

It is with a slight degree of trepidation, but a greater degree of defiance, that I stand before you in this digital space and come out as an atheist. I choose not to seek comfort in a being that can indiscriminately strike the good with what should only strike the bad. This doesn’t mean I’m going to confront Christians, Muslims, Hindis or any other person of faith. While I may not believe in “God”, while I may not believe in Jesus as Savior, I know many do. I believe we should love our neighbor as ourselves, that we should treat others as we want to be treated. And that we should all seek comfort how and where we need to, but don’t talk to me about how things happen for a reason, don’t talk to me about how you’re going to pray for me, don’t talk to me about how Jesus saves. If that were the case I’d have a whole lot more of my loved ones around me right now.

I’ve had this blog for three or four years. In that time – just shy of 1500 days – I’ve written 140 posts. Doing the math, that’s a post about every 11 days. Considering I have gone many months without posting, every ten days may be overstating it a bit. There are maybe a half dozen people who read this space with any regularity. On days I post I get maybe fifteen page views, the rest of the time it’s eight views.
Which is all a big lead in to this – Dear Spammers, Really? What about my blog (style/content/etc) leads you to think I want to boost my SEO?

Spammers are funny.

Let’s bypass the bitching, the complaining, the kvetching, the sourpuss attitudes. All of which I am guilty of not just in the past days, weeks, or months, but even the past hour.

I’m not saying that I don’t have legitimate grounds for complaint, nor am I saying that everything is rosy and perfect, even just in the moment.

But I’ve started to learn that there’s really nothing that can be done about 98% of the things I would like to complain about so it’s not really worth expending the energy TO complain about them.

There are things that it’s worth fighting, fighting for, trying to change. Then there’s everything else. If I just conserve my energy for things that make me happy, or the things I might actually be able to change, then maybe I’ll be more effective overall in everything that I do.

This is all a poorly organized way to say I’m going to put my nose to the grindstone and try to just slough off the things that bug me on a day to day basis.

When I was graduating from college (lo those many years ago [six years…it was only six years ago]) Facebook was just starting to hit its stride. My college had joined when you still had to petition to join, but quickly Facebook went from colleges only to companies and high school kids. They went from the spartan, linear timeline where the most exciting thing was “poking” somebody and soon we could add pictures, tag friends and do much of what folks would consider the cornerstone of Facbeook today. Boy was it an exciting time!

It didn’t take long for the status messages to read like a parody of college life: “Drank five handles of Vodka last night, I think I’m going to die from this hangover”, “Smoked weed with Joe’s dad last night. Awesome!”, or “If you’re the person who walked me home last night, thanks. I don’t remember any of it LOLz”.*

As the rate of these posts and pictures increased, our Career Services team got on the case. To paraphrase, “Someday you’re going to apply for a job. That company may look you up online. Do you really want the pictures of you blacked out drunk at the Tick Tock to be what they find?” Even if I hadn’t already been a reasonable child, the entreaties by Carol and company really nailed home the fact that you don’t want to be stupid online because it could easily last for years down the line.

This is a long lead-in to the crux of the matter.

Don’t be stupid online. Well. Be stupid. Kvetch about things. Use scandalous language. Offend people. Do whatever you want – but don’t do it from an account that can be traced back to you, whether by email, name or other clues. You don’t want to burn bridges before you have a chance to build them (or, conversely, burn bridges that you have already built but want to save).

*In a particularly reassuring fact, I just took a swing through my timeline from 2005/2006. There’s nothing that scandalous there. Good job, Past Self.