Posted by: mydarkestplaces | February 27, 2012

You’ll Always Have This

Last night I went out to dinner with one of my oldest and bestest friends. She’s stuck by me since freshman year of high school, and let me say: adolescence? Not a high point in my life. Since I started to become aware of myself emotionally, she has been there for me. Last night was absolutely no different.

As you may have picked up from my previous post, this month has been absolutely brutal for me. I’ll admit it here before God and the internets: the week following Brian’s death was easily in the top three worst weeks of my life.

I talked this over fairly extensively with my friend last night. The first time I’d talked about it with anybody. She did her best to get to the root of my discontent (understatement of the year? maybe). After much psychoanalyzing, her conclusion: I’m chemically broken. Well. Yes. But maybe more chemically broken than I had known or thought about (or wanted to think about).

I’ve been off my meds for about a year. Let’s be honest with each other – since we’re among friends – when I say “meds” I’m talking the lowest-grade-one-step-up-from-a-placebo meds. There was a difference when I was on them, but having been off them for a year and making some changes in my life, the differences were not so significant. My friend is lobbying pretty hard for me to see someone, to go back on meds, to fix the parts that are broken. I don’t know if I want to. I’ve heard too many stories about anti-depressants emotionally flatlining people. I’m worried that instead of not feeling sad, I’m not going to feel anything.

Part of my problem right now is that I’m not…unhappy with my current lot in life. There are undoubtedly things that get to me. Things that bring me from my standard 7 down to a -10. However, 90% of the time I’d put me at a 6 or 7. I don’t want to risk losing that. I don’t want to be at a constant 5. However, my friend brought up a good point. I can always go back. Especially if I’m not UNhappy with how my life is, I’ll always have how I’m feeling right now.

My life is a constant stream of #firstworldproblems. A good job, for a good company, Benefits, incredible family, friends and so many amenities that place me in the global 1%. My computer is on its last legs (but I have a computer), my car is twenty years old (but I have a car), I am drowning in student loans (but I have a college degree). If I’m going to be depressed. If, as my friend said, my brain is going to be broken, at least this is my median.

I don’t know if I’ll change anything, do anything, pursue anything. But I’m entertaining the idea. When it comes down to it, K is right. I’ll always have this. And this? This isn’t the worst situation I could be in.

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