Posted by: mydarkestplaces | February 8, 2012

Cannot Tell A Lie

I’m not going to lie. The past couple weeks have been tough for me.

There have been tears, somewhat therapeutic drinking, and highly amplified frustration and anxiety.

From the previous posts, you’ll see that I just ran my first physical inventory. There were lots of aspects that went well with it. There were just as many aspects that could have gone better. Then there was the moment, after we uploaded our results, that I got the “this is wrong. Why’s it wrong.” This led to four more days of being buried in (literally) dozens of Excel spreadsheets that are almost imperceptibly different. My eyes were crossing, my temper fraying, and just about every little step and and setback seemed to take on monumental proportion.

I…I just didn’t know where to go or what to do.

I wrote an email to a friend I used to be exceptionally close to. We have fallen out of touch, but not so far that she’s not still a confidant. I haven’t really talked with her in close to a year. But still, my stream of consciousness flowed right into the Mail client and straight down to her phone. I ended the email with “Moral of the story: Excel makes me cry. As do a lot of things these days.”

I think that’s the big thing about depression and anxiety. From an insider’s point of view, it could be the most mundane things that flip the switch inside your brain. For me, the issue wasn’t that inventory was wrong. I knew, in advance, that there would be aspects that were wrong if only because it was the first time I’d run a PI. What really pushed me over to the deep end was that I couldn’t figure out how I had messed up. While doing that swan dive off the high board, every other thing has hit a nerve. My coworkers, my car, my baristas, my friends, my family.

My friend Black Girl in Maine wrote once, “Things started to feel so good that I forgot, I forgot that when I don’t actively know my limits and accept them that I push too hard, too fast, hell I become Superwoman and I have been on a Superwoman high for a while now.”

I’ve hated being reminded of how perilous my mental and emotional well-being are. I’ve been somewhat overwhelmed at being reminded of how incredible the people in my life are. I don’t regret the myriad decisions I’ve made over the past couple years. I just need to remember, when I’m trapped in the absolute darkest nook and cranny of my mind and heart, I am surrounded by love.

 


Responses

  1. Surrounded by love sounds like a good place to be. I know we just “met” last night but I’m glad you wrote this and hope it helped get some of that stuff out. Let yourself feel the love today.

  2. I know there’s absolutely no way that this even remotely got to the point where it’s “getting it all out”. As I explained to the aforementioned friend, I can’t even get to the root of what my “shit” is to myself, let alone to strangers.

    However, it for sure helped to talk about this particular instance of anxiety…

    And thanks.

  3. You are surrounded by love and as hard as it is to admit to being vulnerable in the end I think it’s better than bottling it up. One of the things that I have learned since publicly disclosing my own battles is that I am not alone. I agree that it can often been the seemingly most mundane thing that flips that switch in our brains. Generally it’s always the small things that push me over that edge.

    I ma starting to think it’s something about this time of year that makes it hard for those of us that struggle. It’s not quite light nor dark outside but it’s hard to make it through.


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