Posted by: mydarkestplaces | January 31, 2010

What am i doing with my life?!

I will be the first to admit that I am a bit of a homebody. Not in the sense that I necessarily like living at home. I’m a bonafide adult, I would love to have my own place (that being said, I can think of worse roommates than my parents. At least they don’t freak out if I eat their food occasionally). But the point is, I like being able to say “I’m from Maine. Or I live in Maine.” On the other hand, I feel like I’m missing out on some great big mystery.

I have never been outside of this country (except for Canada, but that only counts 80% of the way). I have been to the Rockies or West – twice. I have been to Florida – once (for 3 hours, does that count?). I have been south of what has been described to me as “the cultural line between north and south” – once (excluding the 3 hours in Florida that I’m not certain actually count anyway).

The majority of my 26 years have been spent in the Northeast, Northern New England to be exact. And this isn’t a bad thing. I LOVE New England. I can’t imagine living anywhere else. But why is that? I haven’t been anywhere to draw comparisons. I’ve never been abroad. All my life I’ve been a “C,” beige. Untemplater tells us that we can do whatever we want, but I feel so trapped in this Nickel and Dimed scenario of “miss a day, miss a payment, spend the next 90 years making it up.”

It could also be I’m a chicken. I’ve recently gotten a job where I have guaranteed, regular hours and benefits. I feel like I’ve missed the opportunity to just say “eff it, I’m moving to X location.” When I was working three jobs and could have been a drifter anywhere, that would have been the time to go.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my job, and I love knowing that this week I’ll squeak through in the black (albeit just barely). Joe Winnet, a Twitter friend in Oklahoma, wrote an inspired post that touched on how maybe tragedies, mishaps, and wasted opportunities aren’t necessarily as tragic, mistaken or wasted as we initially think. Perhaps those moments are just put in our way to drive us towards something better. My example would be this: while working my first job out of college I was more depressed than I had ever been in my life (for those of you who’ve known me awhile, you can appreciate the significance of that statement). I would go so far as to say suicidal at times. Luckily, I had some incredible friends who were able to help me through. These friends are why, knowing how ill suited I was for that job and how beyond miserable it made me, I would go back and do it all again. Knowing these people has changed many, many things in my life.

Moral of the story: I haven’t done much with my life. I’m 26, live with my parents and work in retail. At the moment i’m (more or less…more, most of the time) paying my bills and still dreaming of what could have been, and what still could be. I guess we’ll start with baby steps: next week, I’m applying for my passport.


Responses

  1. I am with you on much of this. I went to Canada. For lunch. I’ve never been to FL. I’ve been to CA several times. Even though I don’t actually live with my parents, they are still very much a part of my life and helping me forge my place in the world. I am (we are) _very lucky_ they haven’t told us to eff off since we hit that 25 mark. Parents are amazing.

    You’re going to one-up me with the passport! I don’t have one of those either! :)

    • I am constantly amazed, and thankful, that my parents continue to put a roof over my head. My story would be a dark and grim one otherwise…

  2. It’s not all about living the nomad life. I’ve lived in Florida since I was 6, and I have no plans whatsoever of leaving. Granted, I don’t live at home, and I have responsibilities that keep me here. But that wasn’t always the case, and I still didn’t want to leave then. You like Maine? Then stay there. What’s the point of leaving if you just pine for home?

    • My concern is more am I “settling” for Maine by default. I’m worried that I’m missing out on a lot because I’m too chicken shit to venture outside my comfort zone.

      Either way, no matter what I end up doing – spending time drifting, moving somewhere for awhile before returning to Maine – I can’t help but feel I need to have some life experiences “more” than the suburban benign that I’ve always known, otherwise I’ll always be missing that certain, something…

    • By the way, that’s not to say that I don’t appreciate my benign, suburban upbringing. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunities that I was afforded because of my lot in life. I just want to see and do more…

  3. […] Walk…Run Out of Your Comfort Zone” has words that I need to remember. As referenced earlier, I am a homebody. If I never had to leave my comfortable little corner of the world again, I would. […]


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